“No Egipto, Mubarak caiu. Se fosse a favor do Benfica, era penalty.”
Deslizamentos no Brasil: (link : cãozinho ao lado da campa da dona pelo 2º dia consecutivo, é triste)
Quando abafei na piscina:
Há uns anos lembrei-me de ir feito herói para as aulas de natação com a garganta inflamada. Engasgo-me, começo a abafar. Saio da piscina sento-me lá a fazer uma espécie de grunhido parecido com um leão marinho a acasalar. Toda a gente a olhar para mim a ver quando é que quinava. E nunca mais fui às aulas com medo de alguma leoa marinha ter ouvido o chamamento e tentar a sorte.
Quando o carro avariou (outra vez):
Há uns dias no Porto parei perto do mar a fazer horas para um compromisso. Quando vou dar à ignição o corre não pega!
Cafés e pessoas, nem ver. Dou com um café para saber a morada daquilo e ao voltar para o carro estão umas 6 pessoas de volta de um carro com cabos de bateria! É, há 5 minutos estava deserto e agora gente com cabos e carro a 200m do meu carro. Quais são as probabilidades? Não pegou com o cabo mas depois ajudaram-me a empurrar o carro.
Dakar está de volta!
Estou farto do facebook e twitter para colocar notícias curtas porque depois não as consigo encontrar. Vou aproveitar que tenho um blog.
Today, I performed in my school play. Right before my big solo, I noticed a few girls changing backstage and I became aroused. The play was Jesus Christ Superstar, and I was playing Jesus. All I was wearing was a little cloth, so the whole audience saw Jesus get hard during the crucifixion. FML
Today, I was trying to have sex with my boyfriend, David. I moaned his name and he whispered, “I’m not David.” Then, with an Italian accent, he said, “It’s-a-me! Mario!” FML
Today, I was at my girlfriends house with just me and her. Things began to get heated and we started doing it on the living room couch. Near the end of it I decided to whisper in her ear, “Who’s your daddy?” I hear behind me, “I am.” FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. After about 10 minutes, when we change positions, he shouts: “Power Rangers – Transform!” FML
Today, I had my first appearance in a court as an attorney. I called the prosecution the prostitution. FML
Today, in the middle of the night, I was punched in the face by my frightened girlfriend who had just been awakened by her own fart. FML
Today, I went to the doctor because my arm hurt. When he told me I had tennis elbow I said “that’s funny I don’t play tennis”. Then he asked me if I had a girlfriend. When I said no he said “Well I guess we solved this one.” FML
Today, I was at walmart when my stomach began to hurt. I quickly waddled to the restroom in pain. As soon as I got in the stall, a huge crap exploded out of me. The child in the stall next to me started crying. When her mom asked what was wrong she said that I’d “killed her nose”. FML
Today, my husband and I were in bed, and just as I was about to finish he screamed, “Oh shit! It’s 4:15, my strawberries are gonna whither!!!!” and then jumped off me and went to check on his farm on FarmVille. An imaginary farm, on Facebook. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Attempting to make things a little more exciting, I said in my sexiest voice “oh yeah, harder.” My boyfriend who apparently doesn’t like talking dirty, pulled out and angrily said “I was trying, what more do you want?” FML
Today, I had to pretend to give birth in a play. I wanted to make it a realistic as possible but ended up crapping myself on stage by accident. FML
Today, I asked my girl friend of a year and a half to give me a blow job. She replied okay and bent down and proceeded to blow on my penis. Then she looked up at me and said was that good. She was serious. FML
Today, I thought it would be funny to sneak up behind my cat and scare it with a loud “boo!” The cat responded by jumping up, and running across my apartment, which would have been fine, except for the fact she left a trail of liquid shit everywhere she went. FML
Today, my mother sent a letter to my best friend trying to comfort her over the death of her mother. She signed the letter “LOL, Jen” thinking LOL stood for “lots of love.” FML
Today, I was at the dentist getting a cavity filled. As she’s drilling into my tooth, I feel the drill slip, and then she quickly stuffs gauze into my mouth. She nervously laughs and says to me “Wow! You must really be numb!” FML
Today, I had to take a dump. While looking for a book to read, I sneezed. The force of the sneeze caused me to shit my pants. The glob of dung then ran down my leg before falling out of my shorts onto my carpet, all in less than 5 seconds. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this. FML
Today, my fiance was performing oral on me, when I heard him start making a “Waka waka waka waka” noise. He confessed to pretending to be Pacman. FML
Today, my boyfriend who likes to get high was driving me insisting he wasn’t currently high. A family of deer was standing on the side of the road and he pulled over by them waited until they walked closer to us and said, “what seems to be the problem officers?” He wasn’t kidding. FML
Today, I was at my girlfriends house with just me and her. Things began to get heated and we started doing it on the living room couch. Near the end of it I decided to whisper in her ear, “Who’s your daddy?” I hear behind me, “I am.” FML
Today, I told my morbidly obese teacher that he had mustard on his chin. He tried to wipe it off and I said without thinking “No, your other chin.” FML
